Cyclone

Interesting that I am staring at a blank screen incapable of writing even as a torrent of emotions and thoughts are cycloning through my head. Even now, as always, I know the reason, none of these thoughts are coherent enough to manifest themselves clearly in my mind for me to pull them apart. They come and go teasing me negatively, one after the other till I my mind is confused and my body unable to do anything but sit comatose waiting for the next picture to begin in my mind.

Obsessive, obsessive about everything, scared and physically and mentally incapable of mustering an ounce of enthusiasm, excitement or desire. Watching from the outside I am the flat green line on the heart rate monitor, I am sitting here but I am dead, and if not dead, immobile except for my mind that keeps me here.

I am tired, I want to take my mind out and put it aside for a few moments to take away the painless ache of not knowing what’s going on. There are a few pictures, but no answers, why can I not move forward in this lethargy, why is it only my mind that is working within scenarios, scenarios not of my choosing?

My limbs are heavy, my arms tired, I can see, I see what I can do… go for a walk, go for a swim, go watch a movie, but there are no senses flickering to guide me in any of those directions, flat green line.

Work, it's a huge void. I cant even touch it, its turned into this gnarled mass of a jungle, impenetrable, I cant see where or how to start. I don’t want to go in there. I am standing at the edge, not even wanting to look in, but feeling compelled to be there when I just want to run in the opposite direction. I see all the thorns, the brush, and the animals, all ready to bog me down as I make my way through. Why am I here, I don’t want any of it, I don’t like jungles, how did I get here and why did I think I needed to be here.

Affirmation, pushing at me to pretend to do things? Can I answer this question, why am I working? Is it for me, or is that some other part of me, an ego talking. Do I like it? Can I answer this question? Am I in sane mind? I think I like it? Oh fuck, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

People, they can all go away, go go go go away. I can’t explain to you what’s wrong with me; you all have your ideas, your thoughts, and your suggestions, just shut up. I know I should go out there, but such an inhuman effort to put that face out, pretend that I am excited to talk to you, to see you, to even remember who you are. Its all a farce, I couldn’t give a shit, and you make me tired. Maybe if you just don’t ask anything of me, but even so… you know what, I cant coalesce this thought.

I am tired of Ila, I am tired of Hugh, I am tried of Bestos, I am tired of it all. Someone make it all go away without it coming to bite me in the ass and I repeat this process again. I suppose this is why I cannot step away, I know its coming back. These people are always here unless I lock my self in a box, a hospital and then they can’t exist, they can’t touch my world, they cannot enter my consciousness. But still, things will fall apart. I look at the path I am on and almost know one day I am going to be in a hospital. Maybe I am deluding myself, perhaps that is where peace and happiness lies and I am afraid of the stigma that surround a mental hospital. I am sure it s a nice place, they make you do things; they tell you you're ok and everyone understand that you're crazy and its ok. People in there have my mind, I can tell them things, the demons, the Gollum, the incapacitation, and they will understand. Affirmation?

Are we back to affirmation again, I need all this damn affirmation or I cant function. Jesus Christ! The world comes crumbling down, piece-by-piece. Don’t come close to me, because then I need you, and when I need you I am vulnerable. Why don’t u like me? What’s wrong with me? Am I too needy?