The Female Mind

The female mind, inexplicable to men and equally bewildering to myself in my current situation, and if to be honest, probably a lot of times. How can men ever think to figure it out if we can’t? I think it’s almost a curse, this entire web of female neurosis and irrationality, also plagued by more intense moments when involving pre-menstrual periods.

I am on vacation, on tropical paradise, in sumptuous villa, deserted beach and disgustingly perfect sunsets (plus several bottle of Moet and Chandon) with suitors abounding. I know you think I am going to start complaining... But, hear me out! It’s not that I’m complaining about the men in my life, I’m more complaining that I don’t seem to appreciate the men in my life. I understand it’s every woman’s wish, especially gals who are combing through Match.com and Lavalife.com to find the man of their dreams, or even just a man, and the ring and some sperm are bonus. I’m just trying to show that I am certifiably ill for not appreciating my bounty.

Have left nice HSBCman in the city, who I have been dating every so occasionally, without a backwards thought. I realize I must divest myself of HSBCman, regardless of the fact that he has perfectly stepped out of the pages of an Eddie Bauer catalog. I think my shrink summed it up for me, I was too polite, “he’s too boring for you.” Fine, perhaps I needed hundreds of dollars worth of therapy to realize I need to date men out of Rolling Stone and not Eddie Bauer catalogs. Ok, problem I need to deal with (ok, ok I know its not a PROBLEM) when I get home from vacation, but for now will respond to his very sweet and of course just perfectly written “thinking of you” emails while clutching at chest in overwhelming guilt. Sigh. In perfect world, wish I could date HSBCman, have lovely, entertaining time, give peck on cheek and not have to sleep with him. Of course, him not being a eunuch that’s obviously out of the question, I cannot keep avoiding him, and making excuses on why I need to go home imperatively after each date. Made harder by the fact that I did sleep with him out of wishful curiosity that maybe might zing, and sadly did not, but he did zing and thinks I am sexual goddess. Channeling my best “I am not a sexual goddess” routine, I try and stick to lunch dates pre-empting any nocturnal activities.

On Tropical Island have ex rugby player/sailor/whatever you want him to be who, no joke, has the perfect male physique. Absolutely adores me, and would gratify every single whim and desire at beck and call. Feel free to slap me. Yes, he’s hot, very hot; we have a hoot of a time together. Yes, can you believe it, am just not interested, no raging hormones, no being tickled pink, nada, nothing, zip. I want to strangle myself, here I have perfect and more than willing boy toy and I'm humming and hawing and cannot get my pheromones to kick in (really must see specialist about this). You couldn’t get better out of Playgirl and I’m having issues. THIS is what I need therapy for… you think a man would think twice given a Playboy playmate on a platter?? I’ve thought twice, thrice, and no amount of temptation has gotten me to rationalize myself out of this. I’m turning into a self-induced prude.

So not going to believe this, then we have JC. JC I met once for 6 minutes while doing pleasant chit chats with a friend while visiting her. Then saw JC at the airport the day I was leaving (JC does not live in same city). We had a brief and entertaining lunch, common interests, like minds, etc, etc. JC is smart, witty, Havard MBA and ex navy seal or something equally worth making noises over and dates the chick from CSI Miami. JC has sent me an email everyday on my tropical sojourn, begging for me to return and be entertained by him. I have gotten every promise of the most amazing time of my life, and to prove it he is willing to fly me at his expense to see him. Thing is, I like JC, sure would have loads of fun, but somehow I think we have different agendas in mind. I’m thinking, hey swell, great time, and thanks, see ya later lets be friends. He’s thinking, awesome chick, I think there’s potential here, lets go steady. Definitely parallel thoughts not coming anything close to perpendicular or horizontal.

And then there’s the babysitter, who through some cosmic alignment of stars I met for two brief nights, and he now resides permanently in my head. It’s getting to the point where its like one of those lingering colds that won’t go away and detracts from everything you do. I’m feeling like I need to get rid of this cold before it makes me truly miserable. I cannot get this moment of time and space with the babysitter out of me, and its marring all these potential escapades I could be having and potentially some good people to meet. All these other men are here and now, nothing wrong with them, all good looking in their own right, all athletic, all smart, and all have great hearts and personalities and I've ground to a complete halt because of a somewhat arrogant babysitter that drives a Porsche Cayenne who’s otherwise engaged with younger woman. I think to self, “self, if he’s capable of having a girlfriend, he cannot be in the same zone as you as you seem incapable of giving anyone else a fighting chance.” Not to say am proud of this, am thinking am retarded git that needs a good boot up the backside to kick start some common sense.

On last assessment was semi-rational female being. Yes, do believe in fate and karma, destiny and all this. However, is it supposed to sit on my life like this? My tropical vacations are going to get very boring if this continues and my entire dating life is in jeopardy. I sense this is going to be one of these tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime things, works itself out of your system, start to forget, things get foggy, absence cannot make the heart grow fonder if you didn’t have that much to be absent from.

What does babysitter think through all this? No idea. What do HSBC, Sailorboy and MC think, no idea why they’re interested in somewhat short, clearly fanciful, not too exotic woman? It’s all a big confusing muddle and I need a quick fix pill, like some over the counter Tylenol anti-karma cold medication.