Walk Away

I feel like I've lost the upper hand right now and it makes me uneasy. I let down a guard, let a chink through in the wall, just enough to be plugged by a finger but now holding back a torrent. I complain and poke about walls and inhibitions but I know I am full of them myself, I need the ball in my court, firmly in the black and white, once it moves to gray I get unstable and uneasy, as I am now, and not liking it in the least. Am I ready to bolt, maybe I should?

I know I have been reticent to give away emotions or even too much of a sign of affection, what does that mean, it means I am harboring against being held to anything, if I don’t admit, or open to anything vulnerable than nothing can come back to me, no promises means no responsibility, and no responsibility means no guilt.

I'm no Catholic but guilt loves me, I am consumed by guilt and my ability to hurt, I hate hurting people and I absolve myself of this by not, or convince myself that by not committing- I can't commit a crime I never agreed to.

I talk about taking chances and leaps, physically I would do anything for crazy fun; hop a plane to Amsterdam on a whim, ride a motorbike into the nether regions of Vietnam, trek through Panama, meet the strangest of strangers, but the heart and soul, the heart is strongly fortified against risk, some days I can't find it myself, the beating muffled by the layers upon layers of insulation and the soul is just scarred stupid.

I want to say take a chance Vida, you never know, who might be and what might be, but what if it comes to nil and my words are held against me, what if I make a mistake and someone gets hurt? What if I roll full tilt as per norm and again flatten everything like a steam roller, could I live with myself?

I am gutted by indecision, flawed by my impetuousness and doomed by my fears.

I am a horrid person to be with, I am a roller coaster with no end, the turns and twirls exhilarating and tiring all at once, and the ride never ending, I never seem to coast into the final peaceful scenic ride of calm. I personally hate roller coasters, it’s a shame I just analogized myself into one... I personally like the pretty scenic ones with action around me as opposed to sitting in the pit of my stomach as I yet again corkscrew.

So the boy, I feel like I should put a huge "do not cross" yellow sign over me, maybe even wrapped all around me, with a few "danger" signs tacked on for good measure and perhaps crime scene tape as well. Is there a male version of me that somehow could break through my annoying, annoying sense of self-preservation and selfishness? Tame the beast so to speak, make me be alive for someone for a little longer than now, cut through the tape, the insulation, the walls, the hot and cold, the on and off. I quite like the laughs, the smiles, the energy, but what am I doing? I have doubts, I have hesitations, and I am scared of me. The so far beyond me power of me…

Run Forest Run, run away from yourself. I feel that familiar tug in my chest, its uncomfortable, it means there's risk and I am starting to move to close to my fire, care what he does and thinks and I’m fidgeting, I don’t want the uneasiness, I don’t want the unknown and I don’t want to be at the mercy of my thoughts, give it yet another finger hold into me to wring indecision and insecurity. If I cut the cord now, banish the niggling while its still young then maybe I can come away unscathed, and him too... walk away before I know, walk away before I put too much, walk away before I make any mistakes, walk away from risk. Leave the field open, nothing rooted in, nothing sown, just cattle grazing through, and never tilled. Albeit boring and never deep, nothing grows, but nothing to spoil and rot either; nothing to steal, nothing to take, just empty and unfettered.

Excellent Vida, you have now gone from analogizing yourself to a roller coaster, to a roller coaster on an empty, barren field wrapped in police tape with a few cows. Excellent, I feel just smashingly lovely playing in my field of fetid dung.