Dalliances

I kissed a man yesterday, a man that wasn't my partner. I met him on a plane 2 weeks ago, we never spoke on our flite, sitting side by side in first class, it was not till the last 5 minutes off the flite and no more than 30 minutes in the airport together that we looked and spoke to one another yet the attraction was palpable, just writing this I can feel myself flushing, remembering the feeling. It wasn't a crazy in love madness, it was a pull of two people that knew they would enjoy time together. And I did, I did resist, I wanted to walk away after we sat on the hard plastic chairs and laughed in the airport, trading barbs and the sensations of 2 people knowing. I could have watched him walk onto his plane, we could have kissed after those 30 minutes and never looked back, but I didn't, he didn't, we traded Facebook aliases.

As far as I know, he had no reason to walk away, I never gave him any doubt that I wasn't single, he never asked, I never asked, why did we? We were 2 strangers off a plane. He's tall, charming, handsome in that boyish way, slim, funny and caustic, eyes that twinkled, we could flirt all day, I'm 41, he's 40, we're not kids, and we're not stupid, we're both professionals. I've been married, I have children, I know insanity, but I also know feelings.

So it went from a casual encounter to trading a few sentences everyday, him convincing me to come visit and myself for him to come see my world. I kept telling myself I was inviting him to introduce him to a friend. I was on a work trip in Hawaii, he was on holidays, we were on 2 separate islands, separated by a 30 minutes on a plane. It was light, it was fun, it gave me smile to see my Inbox flash his messages.

He never came to see me and I didn't go see him, but for a week we jockeyed on-line, both knowing we were dueling attractions. He went home and I was slated to fly back home through his city, with an overnite. Right there danger sat, throbbing at me silently from my itinerary as each day drew near. We both played the game, ebbing and flowing like the tide, at times giving at times drawing back. We never spoke, we emailed, we texted, and I continued to lie to myself that I didn't truly enjoy the banter, just a nice guy I met on a plane. We settled on breakfast, or I convinced myself nothing could come of breakfast, that inocuous time of day where nothing happens. We would have breakfast, we would say good bye and I would leave, safely.

He was everything I remembered him to be, and I cursed myself inwardly. Breakfast was fun, it was comfortable, that invisible string was there, tugging, niggling. It was my bad, I didn't want it to end, I selfishly wanted more time, more laughs, more energy and when I should have said good bye, I didn't.

He took me around, we toured the city, took pictures, enjoyed the sites. I know for me, it wasn't the city, it was the company. Anything can be fun when your energies are high and mine was high. He is a really nice man and it seemed we had a lot that we similarly enjoyed and liked conversation never stilted and attraction only grew. I had kicked myself internally so many times my kidneys were bruised but I was there for the ride and no turning back.

The day had to end, my flite was leaving, we had lunch, a couple of drinks and all I wanted to do was touch him, hold his hand, feel the chemistry be tangible, but we walked with the invisible string pulled tight between us. We pulled up to departures and I knew the kiss was inevitable, I wanted it, would he kiss me? Could I avoid it though I wanted to feel the sensation, find out whether this was real. I pretended to gather my things, dragging my time getting out, knowing once I looked up and we had to say good bye I wouldn't be strong enough to look him in the eye and say no, lie to myself again.

The good bye never left my lips, what should have been a hug were lips meeting, softly, gently, questioningly and hesitant. His hands lay on my hips and the warmth of this still burns in my mind. I don't remember anything but the feel of lips and his hands. It was 5 seconds that was eternity, my body wanted to lay against his and kiss him again, my instinct told me I would never leave. I looked into his eyes, the closest we had ever been, the line crossed and I said good bye.