Heavy

theres a heavy heavy sadness that sits right now, like being in the rain where occasionally the sun manages to find its way in, but the clouds seem to always be there and the fog never lifts, you get the occasional rays that warm up the soul and make you continue on, but then the rain socks back in and you pull on the coats and find the shelters, momentary relief till you need to go back out and let reality wash back onto you.

its murky, i feel murky, not necessarily bad but neither good. some good days tempered out by days i wonder why i run this race, is there an end or is this a circular course but no one's actually shared it with me, no matter how fast or how smart i drive that car, there is no checkered flag to herald the end of the race. so why keep racing, why not just stop, sit in the rain and just drown. because, because i say to myself when the sun does shine these days, it shines bright, bright enough to give hope.

am i strong enough and is there enough sun to bouy me through this next lap, because its going to be long and the hits are going to be hard. it makes my heart hurt, pound, constrict, thinking forward, why the fear? the fear of being wrong? the fear of not having what i have always had, the safety of the net. this would be my biggest step away from the nest, to cut the cord, to give up the one person that has always stood by me through thick and thin. and truth is, i dont know if i can do that, to rain down so much hurt when i have lived in that hurt for years, knowing pain and abandonment, knowing what its like to hit the bottom and crawl up, and knowing that what helped me crawl up was that very cord.

so where do i stand in this rain, in the deluge, with my umbrella, a new umbrella, an umbrella i ought to let go because when the winds come, it wont hold and i may break yet another one. because thats what i do, i bring them into my storm, and for a while they weather, storms can be fun, adrenaline, excitement, till the gales start and the world shakes and i need to let them go before they get so hurt they never recover, and so i can hide from the impending disaster.

my new umbrella is sweet, different, reinforced but do i really need one? i watch it lie here, fondly, and think, let it go, give it to someone else, don't watch it break. but what if? what if i give up the one umbrella that does weather the elements, if there is such a thing, and i suppose that is the question, is there such a thing? or is it just me, my coat and my own fortitude and see the umbrellas as passing tools?

Alcatraz Revisisted

Such a tremendous effort to live a life that was mine for years. How can it be that what was once normal, everyday, feels alien, unwelcoming, and painful? I am sinking, back into the quagmire, back down, I don’t want to be here again, I don’t want this, all the deadness rising back up, the constriction, all the walls pushing me in, I am suffocating.
I love my babies, just not here; I don’t want to be here. I want them with me, warm, safe, open, where my world is free, away from all these constraints that lock me down, no where to go, no where to turn, nothing that I want, no solace, no safety, just blocked passages squeezing me at every turn.
I cant love them properly here, my soul is screaming to be let out, why am I here again, I am barely functioning, nothing to give, each step, every thought an effort, every smile forced, every word aches. I hate this life.
I want to be drunk, I want to be sedated, I want to be insane, I want to be in bed where the world stops, I want to be anything but be in hell. I am in hell, my personal hell, who turns around and returns to jail willingly, thinking they will be fine, that the demons wont rise again, that the memories wont pervade, that the suffocation wont rise in the throat, that the fear wont close their chest, who thinks that it would be any different?
Its dark, is gray, there is nothing but a deathly stillness in the air, where did the life go, where did the energy leave me to, I turn in circles, I pace in lengths, I cant escape, nothing feels comfortable, nothing feels safe, where is my haven, I want safety, take the ugly away, its coming back, its coming back, make it leave, I didn’t want to be here, Pandora’s laughing.
Every minute is 30 minutes, the days endless, I strain my eyes at the clock willing night to come, and I pray when I awake that time has passed, that morning could be noon, that noon is evening, that its time to make the day end and the next come and come, but the corridor is so long, the end a dark tunnel I am not sure I can make it to, that the fears will push me back, the obligations stunt my steps, the clock will stop and I will fall before the door opens and the light comes back in.
I don’t want any of this, not one single material thing, I touch them and marvel that any of it meant anything to me, I don’t care, symbols of unhappiness, items bought and held to soothe a troubled soul, my Tylenol for the pain, my useless salves that worked till the next had to be bought.
If there were a God, if I believed there was a God, I would ask her to save me, please save me. Bring me my children and burn this world, eradicate it so it may never cross my path again, never drown me or hurt me as it does so. I didn't choose this, I never chose this, this was a necessity in a time of need, but I never chose this, never wanted this, never loved this, never welcomed this.