Alcatraz Revisisted

Such a tremendous effort to live a life that was mine for years. How can it be that what was once normal, everyday, feels alien, unwelcoming, and painful? I am sinking, back into the quagmire, back down, I don’t want to be here again, I don’t want this, all the deadness rising back up, the constriction, all the walls pushing me in, I am suffocating.
I love my babies, just not here; I don’t want to be here. I want them with me, warm, safe, open, where my world is free, away from all these constraints that lock me down, no where to go, no where to turn, nothing that I want, no solace, no safety, just blocked passages squeezing me at every turn.
I cant love them properly here, my soul is screaming to be let out, why am I here again, I am barely functioning, nothing to give, each step, every thought an effort, every smile forced, every word aches. I hate this life.
I want to be drunk, I want to be sedated, I want to be insane, I want to be in bed where the world stops, I want to be anything but be in hell. I am in hell, my personal hell, who turns around and returns to jail willingly, thinking they will be fine, that the demons wont rise again, that the memories wont pervade, that the suffocation wont rise in the throat, that the fear wont close their chest, who thinks that it would be any different?
Its dark, is gray, there is nothing but a deathly stillness in the air, where did the life go, where did the energy leave me to, I turn in circles, I pace in lengths, I cant escape, nothing feels comfortable, nothing feels safe, where is my haven, I want safety, take the ugly away, its coming back, its coming back, make it leave, I didn’t want to be here, Pandora’s laughing.
Every minute is 30 minutes, the days endless, I strain my eyes at the clock willing night to come, and I pray when I awake that time has passed, that morning could be noon, that noon is evening, that its time to make the day end and the next come and come, but the corridor is so long, the end a dark tunnel I am not sure I can make it to, that the fears will push me back, the obligations stunt my steps, the clock will stop and I will fall before the door opens and the light comes back in.
I don’t want any of this, not one single material thing, I touch them and marvel that any of it meant anything to me, I don’t care, symbols of unhappiness, items bought and held to soothe a troubled soul, my Tylenol for the pain, my useless salves that worked till the next had to be bought.
If there were a God, if I believed there was a God, I would ask her to save me, please save me. Bring me my children and burn this world, eradicate it so it may never cross my path again, never drown me or hurt me as it does so. I didn't choose this, I never chose this, this was a necessity in a time of need, but I never chose this, never wanted this, never loved this, never welcomed this.