Heavy

theres a heavy heavy sadness that sits right now, like being in the rain where occasionally the sun manages to find its way in, but the clouds seem to always be there and the fog never lifts, you get the occasional rays that warm up the soul and make you continue on, but then the rain socks back in and you pull on the coats and find the shelters, momentary relief till you need to go back out and let reality wash back onto you.

its murky, i feel murky, not necessarily bad but neither good. some good days tempered out by days i wonder why i run this race, is there an end or is this a circular course but no one's actually shared it with me, no matter how fast or how smart i drive that car, there is no checkered flag to herald the end of the race. so why keep racing, why not just stop, sit in the rain and just drown. because, because i say to myself when the sun does shine these days, it shines bright, bright enough to give hope.

am i strong enough and is there enough sun to bouy me through this next lap, because its going to be long and the hits are going to be hard. it makes my heart hurt, pound, constrict, thinking forward, why the fear? the fear of being wrong? the fear of not having what i have always had, the safety of the net. this would be my biggest step away from the nest, to cut the cord, to give up the one person that has always stood by me through thick and thin. and truth is, i dont know if i can do that, to rain down so much hurt when i have lived in that hurt for years, knowing pain and abandonment, knowing what its like to hit the bottom and crawl up, and knowing that what helped me crawl up was that very cord.

so where do i stand in this rain, in the deluge, with my umbrella, a new umbrella, an umbrella i ought to let go because when the winds come, it wont hold and i may break yet another one. because thats what i do, i bring them into my storm, and for a while they weather, storms can be fun, adrenaline, excitement, till the gales start and the world shakes and i need to let them go before they get so hurt they never recover, and so i can hide from the impending disaster.

my new umbrella is sweet, different, reinforced but do i really need one? i watch it lie here, fondly, and think, let it go, give it to someone else, don't watch it break. but what if? what if i give up the one umbrella that does weather the elements, if there is such a thing, and i suppose that is the question, is there such a thing? or is it just me, my coat and my own fortitude and see the umbrellas as passing tools?